He's Definitely a Boy

A post-election anecdote.

Back when McCain and Obama were campaigning for the most important election of our time, my husband printed out a joke McCain advertisement. John McCain's big head dominated most of the printout and, in the background, a coiffed, bespeckeled Sarah Palin's head sat on the photoshopped body of a topless stripper.

When passing this to me, the munchkin caught a brief glimpse of the fake McCain-Palin print ad.

Before I continue, it's important to note that I had successfully brainwashed my child to say things like "John McCain very bad man" and "Sarah Palin scares David." Also, when asked who he'd vote for, he proudly declared "Barack Obama!" with an emphasis on 'bama'.

So, as I grabbed the paper out of my husband's hand, the munchkin walks up to me and the following dialogue ensues:

David: Is that John McCain very bad man?

Me: Yep.

David: Why is John McCain a very bad man?

Me: (Debating on trying to explain politics to my preschooler but ultimately deciding that might be a waste of breath) Because he is. He just is.

David: Can I see John McCain very bad man?

Me: (Firmly holding the printout with my forearm covering the offensive Palin figure in the background--offensive because of Palin herself, not the topless body her head is attached to) Here. Here's John McCain very bad man.

David: (After carefully studying McCain's image he looks up at me, pauses, and smiles). OK. Can I see nudie lady now?

Headed for a future career in telemarketing?

The munchkin's new "thing": whenever he sees any kind of telephone (be it real or toy) he puts it to his ear and utters the following:

"Hello? Oh, hi! OK. No problem. [Indecipherable]. Bye!"

I fear he'll be texting soon.

The 'Fuck You' Laugh

At first I thought it was just one of many adorable behavioral tics the munchkin had as part of his repitoire (like the constant raspberries and the infamous "lipper"). Now I'm realizing that he's definitely mocking me. Picture it, if you will:

Dinner, Tuesday evening. We put the plate on his high chair tray: veggie cheeseburger with ketchup, a potato pancake, and a vegetable medley. Jon gives him a milkshake, which we soon had to pry out of his tiny hands on the condition that he would get it back after he ate some of his dinner. Whining ensues. The munchkin realizes that the return of the milkshake is worth less to him than the amusement of watching his parents totally flip out (which is probably like toddler porn). So begins the 'Fuck You' laugh and accompanying hijinks.

To be clear, the 'Fuck You' laugh is a high-pitched, barely-audible "ha, ha, ha, ha"-sounding fake chortle that the munchkin emits while looking you straight in the eye and doing something that will undoubtedly make you mad as a hatter. Something along the lines of, say, taking heaping fistfulls of vegetable medley and tossing them on the floor. Repeatedly.

I'm wondering if perhaps there's a boarding school somewhere that accepts preschoolers.

Minutia

You suspect you've gone over to the dark side when you wonder if all of the guests at your son's "Yellow Submarine"-themed second birthday party will notice that the CDs you've burned as favors for said party are not all color-coded to match the party's theme ("...sky of blue, sea of green, in our yellow submarine"). You're pretty certain you have when you realize you've color-coded the words in the sentence you just typed for emphasis.

Damn the Memorex "Cool Colors" ten pack! Don't they know that black is actually an achromatic color that does nothing to make mixed CDs any cooler? You can't even write on them to identify their contents. So all they're basically doing is taking up 20% of what could have been a reasonable variety of colors that would bolster the cool factor at, say, a "Yellow Submarine"-themed second birthday party.

Oy! If it's this bad now, this kid's Bar Mitzvah is going to kill me altogether.